Written on March 4th, 2010
I have many dreams I want to live. Passions I want to nurture and grow into projects. For a long time I've felt that I haven't done enough to nurture them. Yesterday, I decided to start realizing one such passion project. The world was mine for the taking and I knew it.
This morning however, I was greeted by a huge monster standing next to my bed. It woke me up early. Way earlier than comfort dictated. It was ugly. It was huge. It made me sick.
All day it followed me around. I couldn't see it. I couldn't get a hold of it. But I knew it was there. From the way it made my stomach hurt. From how it made my head spin. I could hear it. A whisper, but a penetrating one. The contrast from the day before, when everything seemed possible, was shattering. I'm here again and I hate it.
That's when I realized. I had indeed been here before. I'd seen this abomination before. I knew its name. It was Phobos. Fear. And this time I wouldn't let it win.
It took me hours and I wanted to run several times, but I kept working on my project. Trying to reclaim that feeling I'd felt the day before. I could not let it win. Not again. Not this time.
I gradually realized that this particular one and I go way back. Every time I've tried to really go for something, this guy shows up. What was it about living my dreams that scared me so much? Living my dreams! What could possibly be horrible about that?!?
Suddenly I realized. This is my fear:
If I decide to realize one of my dreams I'll close off access to every other passion I've ever dreamed of living. I put everything in one basket and nothing else will ever come to fruition. If this one thing fails, I will be doomed to a life of shame and regret I will never be able to look another person in the eye.
But I see you, Phobos. I am looking you in the eye. I have you by the throat. I will show you no mercy. You will die. Now.